katsuninken (かつにんけん)

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love to cook, to serve food, to entertain and have general feasting and revelry.

I won't be having as much of that as I have in recent years, simply because I haven't had the time to put together astounding culinary feats. This year the meal will be atypically simple, with a smoked duck stuffed with a wild rice blend, a vegetable that I haven't decided on yet, yeast rolls, and some manner of dessert - either chocolate cheesecake or fudge.

Yeah, I know. That doesn't even sound like me, does it? Especially since this was my menu last year.

This year, though, all household life forms are partaking in Thanksgiving bounty. The turtle got a feast of 30 ghost shrimp, the three legged toad got a feast of 50 crickets, and the fish got some specialty treats. The cats were offered goodies, but them being them, they indignantly declined, offended that I would ever consider trying to give them something other than their dry cat food.

Warmest and most heartfelt Thanksgiving wishes to you and yours. May your hearts be glad and your bellies be full.

( Logistical Hijinks )

( Cut for a fair degree of disgustitude )

( It's Started )

It must be near the end of the semester, because I have time once again for free thought!


( Elimination of Viruses Is a Bad Idea )


Just food for thought, I suppose.

Aside from being boyless, there's not a great deal I would change right now. Though, if this were proposing some kind of magical change, I would choose to give myself the ability to understand numbers and rock math.

As for whether or not I am working toward life changes, the default answer to that is a consistent yes. When am I not? I am always undergoing some manner of revision, and I think that's the way it should be. However, it occurred to me that perhaps because I am always in a constant state of change, that's why I regularly find myself without a relationship.

It's been my experience so far that most people want to dig in and remain in whatever state they are in. I decidedly don't. That will inevitably equate to waking up one day and realizing you have no hope of relating to each other anymore. If that proves true, then I suppose my only hope is to finally find someone that is as dynamic as I am, or I reach a place where I am done with change. However, I'm pretty sure the latter will only be true when I'm dead.

This is my final word on this semester's chemistry drama. I will say no more than this. I won't even post if I pass.

I went to Dr. Nassim's office to review my test. While I was there, he was regarding me curiously. He asked me what I thought was different about this test than I did the others, and I said this was one more up my alley and allowed me to demonstrate my strengths more. This apparently made him boggle, and after a pregnant pause, he said, "this was the hardest test I have given, yet you did remarkably well on it." In fact, most grades went down while mine nearly doubled.

I actually did do quite well. I still managed to fall over stupid mistakes (like I left a cyclo out of a name again, even after triple checking. I kept reading it in when it wasn't there), but there were significantly fewer of those. I came away from the review of the test not thrilled, but certainly happier than I have been.

I asked Dr. Nassim what test four, the last test before the ACS, was going to have in regards to stereochemistry. He said there would be a fair amount. I very nearly cried. I told him that was an assurance that I would fail the class, because I just can't figure out rotation on a flat piece of paper. He was still back on page two about how I did so well on the class's hardest test. You could really see the wheels spinning in his head.

Then he gets up and leaves the room, leaving me and another guy looking over his test in his office. A few minutes later, he comes back with a grey box and hands it to me. He said, "I want you to practice using these models, because I want you to use them on your portion of the stereochemistry exam. Get used to them, and then see me for some strategies."

My jaw hit the floor.

But it gets better. Because I proved that I know what I'm doing, we essentially made a pact. If I make a similar grade or better on the next test, my lowest test grade will be dropped from calculating my score. That means there's hope for me yet. And am I waiting to get started on prepping for this next test? Oh no. I've already been studying for it.

My test taking strategies that I devised for the last test mostly worked. But I will need to come up with some new ones to deal with manipulation of 3D molecules in 2D space. I think the models will help, but I will still need to figure out a way to translate them from 3D to flat.

So if any of you out there have any advice for someone who is not exactly ace with spatial relation skills, lay it on me. I could use any help I can get.

Also, it is for this very reason that I love being an Aries. I just couldn't lie down and die. I had to go down swinging. And it looks like I might still have a little fight left in me yet.

( Political Blither )

( Some Updatery )

A very merry Samhain to all who celebrate! Best wishes to you on this eve of your New Year.

So I am here in a computer lab, biding my time until my last class of the day when I can take a pointless test and go home. I start to cough (being respectful and turning away and covering it and all that good stuff), and the chick next to me grabs her shirt and pulls it up over her nose and mouth, and looks at me sideways as if to say, "Like OMFG! You are, like, so teh nasty! Why don't you, like, crawl away and die somewhere instead of giving me your nasty pig plague?"

Really. I have been trying to suppress this stupid cough since I got it back in, what, late September? Early October?

All my cough meds are wearing off for the day, so I am coughing more. One bout was particularly intense, and I double over in my chair hacking away. She turns to me aghast, hurriedly logs off of the computer she's using and flees the lab as though being in my very presence was going to rot her flesh. I'm not spewing acid here. It's just bronchitis.

I know everyone is being hyperactive over H1N1, but seriously, there's overreacting, and then there's that.

I finished the test.

I was painstaking with it. I did everything in my power to cut back on the stupid mistakes factor. I read and reread the questions. I underlined the key parts, making sure they didn't get lost in translation. I broke down my molecules like I was a first year chem student, drawing out all the hydrogens, numbering all the carbons (I drew several last time that were a carbon too long or two short because I can't count), labeled all the substituents, wrote notes on the problems explaining what I was doing in the event that I got it wrong, and I went through and eliminated options in the multiple choice, making them less confusing.

I know I can't do that on the ACS, because you are forbidden to write on the test booklets by the ACS itself (nothing the school can do about that, even with disability services), and that has me nervous because the ACS loves questions like: Which of the following could be used to create [X] product? I only. II only. I and III. II and IV. None of these. I really despise those.

Anyway, back to the test I just took.

There was one question at the very end of the test that everyone coming out of the class when they took it warned me about. It turns out it is the kind of question I've been waiting for all semester. It essentially said: When [X] and [Y] react, the expected product is not formed, and instead a cyclic structure forms. Propose a mechanism as to why.

Now we're talking! I had my happy little fish hooks mapping those electrons and I was happy. My proposed mechanism was very detailed, and I enjoyed doing the problem. This is the first time this semester I have enjoyed a chemistry test. Last semester I couldn't wait to take them. Those tests and this question allowed me to show what I actually know about chemistry, and when I have that opportunity, I shine. I can only hope to see more of those in the future.

Everyone else cried over that question, and I guess it was because it was not the straightforward "Give the reagents for this reaction," or "give the product of the reaction shown" kind of things. It is actual problem solving versus regurgitation. Reactions are fine, but I love the mechanics, the whys, behind everything. I'm also bizarrely happy about ring structures, so in this case that was an extra bonus.

All in all, I can't tell you how I did. But I'm not nervous anymore. It's done. I can relax. If my GPA is saved, it is. If it's not, it's not. There's nothing to do now but wait.

In other news, the cough I've had since my meningitis incident has suddenly become worse. I have deep, chest wracking coughs that are now productive and it makes my chest hurt when I breathe. So yay. I guess I have a nice case of bronchitis or a mild pneumonia. I guess this means yet another visit to the ER.

Yeah, I know. I've kind of been a ghostly presence around here. I have a chemistry exam today THAT DETERMINES MY ENTIRE ACADEMIC FUTURE! Everything is riding on this one grade, so yeah, no pressure or anything.

The pressure got to me yesterday, and I broke. I am utterly humiliated by it now. I destroyed everyone's projects in genetics by setting up all the gels wrong and all their DNA ran off the gel and went in the wrong direction. I got harassed about it all class, and I finally just snapped, knocked over a chair in anger and left, stormed in to my advisor's office and declared that I quit.

And for the record, I haven't unquit yet. I won't bother until I know if there's even a point or not.

And for another record, see? Yes! I have emotions. Zen Ben over here can lose it if the screwed ratchet a little to tight. Though after my little episode yesterday, I was forced to sing Human by the Human League by one of my classmates and that at least added some levity to an otherwise disastrous day.

So today is quite literally the first day of the rest of my life. Today is my opportunity to be reborn from the ashes left from my crash and burn this semester. I walked up to my building and just as I was about to go in, I heard a mockingbird yelling at me. Apparently he was saying, "Hey, moron! The avatar of your tutelary kami is right there! You might want to stop by and say hi!" because I turned to see what he was on about, and there, behind me, was Hover Hawk. I bowed to him, basked in his presence for awhile, and I thanked him for making an appearance today because I need all the help I can get. I also asked him for help, which is something I don't normally do, but let's be honest: I need some divine intervention right now.

And Hover Hawk had something to say, which is the whole purpose of me sitting here to write:

( A Hawk's Parable )

Hm. Dead birds and power outages. Perhaps I should be concerned.

( Listen Up )


And don't be paranoid. This isn't about you.

I have never been so happy to be painfully average.

Seriously.

Last night in lab we got our midterms back. I made myself look at it even though I didn't want to. I was actually surprised by the score. I did twice as well as I thought I would, but that was still an F, so who cares.

Graphs. Stoichiometry. Graphs that use stoichiometry. Graphs WITH MULTIPLE CURVES! Need I say more? No, I think not.

Anyway, the professor blamed us for sucking. Instant lose. So that's two course evaluations I can't wait to fill out at the end of the semester. But what really fried my bacon was that THE AVERAGE SCORE WAS 67. 67! That meant my pathetic show of effort was average! That blew my mind.

But I'm not done.

He said that he was disappointed in the average (which covered both his sections of lab, btw), but he was not curving because ONE person made an A. One. Out of, what, 40-ish people?

So the majority of us get to go on with a big, fat F hanging around our necks for a midterm grade.

Let me just state that I am glad he will not be returning next semester. Regardless of whether I get to go back or not, I don't want anyone else to have to put up with this.

So I had just left my Japanese class, got into my car, and turned off the main camps drive onto Grant Line Road which faces the campus. I'm in the left hand land at a light, getting ready to get onto the interstate to head home. There are a few cars in front of me, but otherwise traffic is fairly light. I remember being irritated at the complete lack of radio in this town when the world quite literally exploded.

For a solid 10 minutes I had no idea where I was or what happened. It was almost like I had blacked out for a split second, but I'm pretty sure I didn't. I was just shocked and stunned. I finally got collected enough to realize that somehow I had been involved in a wreck. I was confused. Did I do this? No, I couldn't have. I was stopped. I realized that my front end was tucked up under the car in front of me. The owner was out beside her car, pacing agitatedly on a cell phone.

I finally figure out to turn off my engine and turn on my hazards. I left the headlights on just so there would be some light. It was very dark.

Me being me, my first thought, after calling to tell the roommate that I was in a wreck, was to get out and make sure everyone is ok. I have medical training, but it was not needed. That's probably a good thing, because I really wasn't in my right mind.

So I walked the length of the scene and finally figured out what had happened. A large pickup had run the red light behind me, slammed into the car behind me, which slammed into me, which slammed me into the one in front of me, which slammed it into the one in front of it. It was a genuine 5 car pile up.

Now that it is daylight, I can see that I had a bit more damage than I previously thought, though still relatively minor. My front fender hangs on sideways, my left set of front lights is askew, for reasons I can't explain my right side mirror came halfway off, and my rear fender is broken and has come lose from the car slightly. There's now a small gap between it and the trunk. My head hit my rear view mirror, but neither it nor my head were damaged. I was able to drive home after the police released us from the scene.

The car behind me was folded into an accordion. Her trunk was smashed clean up into her back seat and her hood crumpled up into a pointy peak. But she walked away with minor neck and back complaints, much like myself. All of the others cars, except mine, bore no damage at all except for maybe a dent or scratch.

So here's the story:

I have been literally praying for a wreck that was not my fault to claim this car. The car is so old and needs repair so frequently that it needs to be retired. So the wreck came. And was the car destroyed?

NO!

So let's take stock, shall we?

Hurricane Ike drops tree neatly on either side of car. Car is left completely unharmed.

The Great Ice Storm drops the remainder of tree on my house, damaging roof. Car is left completely unharmed.

Car gets broken into with most of everything I own stolen. Car gets a new window, otherwise completely unharmed.

Two significant floods and one major flood. I get water in my basement. Car is left completely unharmed.

I GET INTO A 5 CAR PILEUP! CAR IS LEFT RELATIVELY UNHARMED!!! Cameron, however, is damaged.

So that's Cameron 1.5, Car 3,789,000. I quit. It has won. I completely give up hoping this car will be obliterated. It refuses to die. If a 5 car pile up won't do it, nothing will.

*EDIT: this was not a rant, this was meant to be ironic and funny.

My brain was fatigued this morning, so during chemistry lecture I found myself creating a quiz to describe your relationship style via chemistry terms.

My favorite result was:

YOU ARE BIPHENYL!



Biphenyl is one of the most stable, enduring, rock solid compounds anywhere. The two benzene rings are incredibly stable on their own, but when joined, they become even stronger by sharing all, and I do mean all, of their chemical attributes. You are joined at the hip and what one of you knows or feels, so does the other. Your relationship is built to last and will endure most external pressures because it is so profoundly harmonious from within.

Unfortunately, you are highly toxic and make everyone around you very, very sick.


/nerd

I was once asked, "So, um, do you ever do boys?"

Best. Ever.

And for the record, anything cheesy, raunchy, fake, hyperbolic or, well affectation in general really, will ALWAYS send me packing.

( A Destiny Denied )


And for those of you who, like me, find words for the most part useless and think more in sound and music, allow me to present a sound image of the inside of me. This piece so deeply resonated with me that it literally paralyzed me when I first heard it. Since I cannot seem to make myself known with words, perhaps if you hear my sound, I will be understood.

If you decide to listen to it and you see something in your mind, please tell me what you saw.

So I randomly received a $20 Amazon.com gift card. I know not why I got it. It's a real card, with real money on it (I checked) and is not one of those "only applies to orders 8.2 Million Dollars and Over" kind of things.

So what exactly should I do with it? I seek your counsel!


Poll #1472065 Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 12

So what should I buy with my random Amazon gift card?

( Wherein Cameron expresses his desperation and trembles in abject fear. )

Yes, I actually reveal emotions and... wait for it... CRY! on el jay.

How about that. I feel things too.

My new batch of photography turned out really nicely! Please go see them and tell me what you think. The rejects I posted to facebook, but the real ones are in my gallery.

( The Food That Fights Back! )

I'm going to stop responding to things until I learn how to read. I've done enough to make myself look like an idiot as it stands.

This is just me studying, so unless you have a particular interest in my organic chemistry lab, feel free to pass this one over. I'm only posting it here because A: typing things cements it into my brain, B: it could prove to be a useful study guide for my fellow classmates, and C: if anyone does read it and asks me questions, that's a serious studying bonus. Nothing preps me for a test like teaching the material to others. But anyway, on with the show:

( Fermentation )


( Purity by Melting Point )


( Recrystallization )


( Separating Acids )


Well, I think I'm done here. Time to get out of here and take some pictures of some trees!

If you have ever been on a heavily wooded trail headed for a waterfall, there is a distinct point before you arrive that you can hear the roar of the water as it cascades somewhere in the distance. That is what the rain sounds like here through all the trees. I enjoyed being outside listening to it, even though it meant getting soaked. It was worth the squishing shoes. The day was spent with the soothing sounds of rain tapping on my roof and skylights, the mimicked sound of a forest waterfall, and some good music. I felt it a fitting way to draw an otherwise distressing week to a close.

Today, after some heavy chemistry studying (yes I have yet another test next week!), I will be going out to take pictures of the changing leaves and the flooding, if the water is still around. And after that it is an evening of relaxing yet again. I need to unwind a bit before I end up letting the stress get the best of me.

An interesting thing about floods, something we've had quite a bit up here recently: you could look at all of the trash and the water and the mud and the mess, or you could see what really matters. You could see the Snowy Egrets stalking the waters edge with silent, precise grace as they hunt fish. You could hear the calls of the Redwing Blackbirds that make them sound like feathered cicadas. You could laugh at the antics of the visiting sea gulls, or even marvel at their accuracy as they plunge into the thick, brown water and always come back up with a fish in beak. You could delight in the squadrons of Great Blue Herons and Night Herons flying by. You could be awed by the aerial acrobatics of the resident Peregrine Falcons and American Kestrels taking advantage of the situation. You could appreciate the ducks and geese and that feeling of happiness you get when you throw them bread. You could take in the whole scene and suddenly realize that my largest problems are tiny next to a Redwing Blackbird, and just about microscopic next to a Snowy Egret or Great Blue Heron. Any feelings of sadness or despair are conquered by a duck. Any feelings of hopelessness or failure flee at the pip of a Cardinal or the chirp of a Sparrow. The waters have come to wash us clean and renew us.

So with that in mind, I am going to go out and reconnect with what is important, camera in hand so that I can share what I see with others. I am going to let the fiery colors invigorate me, the sunlight energize me, and the splendors of nature remind me why it is all worthwhile.

Life happens to the best of us, and when it does, even the best of us need to get away and reset. There is no shame or weakness in doing so, only if you are deny yourself and do otherwise. For if you deny yourself and you break, you fail those that rely on you.

This post is dedicated to rebekah1213, who wrote this back on Oct. 4 (yes I've been that busy that I'm just getting to it now):

"If god exists, does he or she always do good? Most religious people would not hesitate I answering that with a resounding ‘Yes’. But if so, does god always do good because he is god, or, is it that whatever god chooses to do therefore by definition good?

If you choose the former, then you are acknowledging that there is a scale of moral behaviour which is quite separate from god. If the latter, then you allow that anything (terrorism for example) could be good if god chooses it (as some Moslems clearly believe)."


( First, a bit about Muslims )


I would like to begin by saying that nothing is separate from god (lowercase to indicate a generic force). We are god, the creative, overarching force is in and is everything. Whether you believe in a deity or that we all began as a massive cosmic explosion, the same is true. We are all made of starstuff. We are everything that has been and will be. I actually think of the universe itself as the human body. We're aware, we're sentient, but we don't have the ability to know everything that happens within every single cell in our body. They're still part of the system, but not a conscious part, nor are we conscious of them. We are cells in the body of the universe, functioning, diversifying, going about our business, but the greater whole is not aware of our day to day activities and not yet arrived to the point of achieving true awareness. Only when we do something on a large enough scale that it affects the whole system are we noticed.

As for a moral sliding scale, how is one to determine whether an act is good or evil, positive or negative? All we are capable of is immediate awareness. We see an act and judge that act based on our perception of it. We do not have the ability to see the true purpose of an event - the chain of events that the one event that we judge set into motion. We cannot see the larger picture. Something that seems like a terrible tragedy in the here and now might well be laying the groundwork for necessary change in the future. Something that seems good in the here and now could be detrimental later. In all things there is balance.

Beyond that, I doubt the ability of us to accurately assess whether any given event could be considered good or bad. We look at something from our own perspective because that's all we can do. So since you cannot see beyond your own eyes, how can you know the full story? You can't. All you can do is form an opinion based on what you think and feel. Plenty of people have great things happen to them and are unable to see them for what they are because they are unable to see past their own feelings.

for these reasons, I do not believe good and evil are. There are simply forces in opposition acting against one another to preserve the balance necessary for existence to exist.

And as with any opinion I put up here, you are welcome to sound off. Disagree? Let me have it!

I guess my Buddhist influences have tainted me. I believe everyone is everyone's soul mate because we are all of the same stuff. Your soul and my soul and anyone else's soul are are splintered from the Source, therefore there is no distinction between us. Of course I believe in soul mates because everyone has part of my soul, and I have part of theirs. The only difference is how the lens of our minds and bodies distorts the way we perceive the world. Everyone is in their own way like the Hubble telescope before it was repaired in that they see without seeing.

When we become attachned to what the mind and body think is real, the truth of the soul is lost, and as a result we perceive ourselves to be different, separate, individual. When that sense becomes strong enough, the starving soul cries out with panging loneliness and a craving for connection. It knows its truth and seeks to return to the state where it senses its others aspects. It wants to return to being part of a whole. Ultimately we latch on to one, perhaps even a few, in an attempt to generate that sense of deeper connection.

But I suppose that's not what this is asking, is it?

In the traditional sense, yes, I believe in soul mates. I think the Greek myth of how the sexes were formed is a good parable for why we seek out others to be with others. Again, it all goes back to chemistry. Most elements are happiest when they are paired or multi-bonded. It makes them stable and balanced and gives them something they lack in order to be complete. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses. We are made this way because we are someone's compliment. We are jigsaw puzzle pieces crafted to fit another piece or pieces specifically, joining together to build a greater image.

I have yet to meet my soul mate. And that's not because they haven't been my soul mate, either. Anyone can be, because we are all the same. It's because when it comes down to being brave enough to experience the deep, powerful, life-changing, mind-shattering truths of real connection, all that I have been with so far have not been able to bear the crush of real intimacy. And it is very much like a crush, like a great wave crashing down upon you, threatening to sweep you away. It is terrifying. The instinct is to run because everything in you tells you that you are in danger. But should you stay, you will find the devastation left behind is all illusion anyway - fronts, defenses, excuses, fear. That which is left behind, undamaged, is your true nature, and the path to true happiness has been washed clear.

I sat in my car with my hand on the key in the ignition, but I could not make it turn. I sat there in a silent war. In my mind, I was convincing myself both that I should leave and that leaving would be the coward's path. But it really was that bad. But that really is that cowardly. I beat the steering wheel in frustration. If anyone saw me there in the parking lot, they probably became very afraid of the disturbed person in the black Mazda flipping out.

I finally got out of the car and made myself go back. Everyone was in the hall looking for me. Dr. Kirchner asked me what happened to me. All I said was that I left. She asked where my test was. I said I threw it away. All she did was point, and I with head hung went and retrieved it from the garbage can. She indicated that was to follow, and I did, daring not speak a word.

Two people needed extra time on the test, so she set them up in the testing area, then we went into her office and she demanded an explanation. I did the best I could. She looked over my test, and began asking me about the questions. I explained my answers and my reasoning, even going beyond the scope of the required material to support my responses. She took her glasses off and gave me The Look(tm): it's the look she gives when she will brook no argument or discussion. I know that look very well. I instinctively stood at attention.

She said she is going to retest me, because it was clear that I know what I'm doing. She wants to review the punnet squares with me to get me to orient them right on paper. Apparently what I said was enough to prove that my test did not reflect my actual knowledge. So I get a second chance.

You want to know something truly amazing? I got the chi square right! And I did it purely by guessing. It was a sheer miracle. And, of course, since it is math, my ultimate answer was wrong, but not wrong enough to give me a false result. So I ended up failing to reject the null hypothesis anyway, which is what was supposed to happen. Don't ask me how. Really. I don't know.

So I guess that is not really that after all.

Hey, can I have some points for having the balls to go back and face my shame?

Oh yeah, one more thing. When I was writing my previous entry, I thought something had gone really wrong with me and I had developed uberdyslexia from my spazzing out over the test. Turns out someone pried off the keys on the keyboard and put them in alphabetical order.

I could not be more ashamed of how I did on my genetics exam.

I did so poorly that I threw it away.

As per the usual, it was not a lack of knowledge regarding concepts. In fact I was teaching them in an impromptu study session before class. No, this time it was punnet squares (which might as well be graphs). And chi squares, which might as well be in Korean.

Because my genetics professor is also my boss, I could not bear to present such a humiliation to her, so I instead threw it out. I would rather take a zero on my midterm than diminish myself in the eyes of my employer.

I'm thinking about going home, because I cannot bear my shame. I have failed those who have invested their belief in me.

I know I'm supposed to be studying, and I promise I'll get to that here in a second, but first:

Yesterday, I knew I was going to be in it for the long haul, so I debating breakfast. Considering I was fully expecting to be here until at least 10pm, that was a really dumb debate. That debate was settled by Hover Hawk over on the performing arts building telling me to get over there and eat. So I did. He was still up there hollering when I left, so I figured he was trying to tell me something.

Turns out he was.

I spent Oceanography prepping for the epic chemistry lab. Just to give you my overall opinion of my Oceanography class, I loaned by text for this class to a classmate/co-workers 6 year old daughter, who is enjoying reading it. Um, yeah. Anyway, after working myself to death, I go to lab only to discover...

We're not doing the Gargantuan Lab of Epicness(tm) because someone in a previous lab broke the machine! We did a short lab instead, and I was home by 9pm. Considering the lab usually ends at 9, that's the earliest I've ever made it out. I was overjoyed. And what did I do with all that extra time? Sleep! And you know what? I needed it. Apparently the ever merciful Tenjin O-kami agreed. I have to say he's had my back quite a bit this semester. Here's to hoping I am living up to his expectations.

Ok, seriously, study time. Wish me luck.

So I still have this nagging cough left over from my bout with meningitis, and this bothers me somewhat, because I've been back in action for what, two weeks now? But anyway, this past weekend, the C-J (Louisville's newspaper) had this enormous 22 point headline: FIRST H1N1 CASE CONFIRMED IN LOUISVILLE. First of all, that's a lie. We've already had confirmed cases here on campus, and most of our population comes from Louisville. Second, thank you for that hysteria-inducing useless tidbit of information. Now every time I hack, everyone around me freezes and stares at me wide-eyed. I kid you not.

If they were that worried about H1N1, they should run away when I cough, not do the deer in headlights routine.

In addition to that, The Department Memo(tm) was posted in the general prep lab notifying all of the lab assistants that hours were going to be dialed back to due budgeting issues. But no! Really! The economy is improving! We swear! They've had to get so down to brass tacks with the numbers that they had to assign a maximum amount of hours per lab. Two lab assistants were dismissed. So now everyone is having to keep painstaking records of what they do when. All except me, who is exempt because I am workstudy. And now I get to be a lesson in labor practice. Behold what happens when you have versatile cheap labor! Not that I'm complaining. The more labs I get to prep for, the more I learn. I'm just worried that I'll end up biting off more than I can chew, because I'm not exactly one to deny much of anyone, especially those in authority and those I want to impress, much of anything.

It's cool and rainy today, making me rather tired. This is unfortunate because lab tonight is going to run long. Very long. If I get out at 10pm tonight I will consider myself lucky. It is going to be so long, in fact, that I have suspended my antisocial policy and I am going to re-pair up just for the hope of not still being here come tomorrow. Hover Hawk was perched on top of the Ogle Center this morning with a whole lot of something to say. He was unusually talkative for a hawk, so I can't help but wonder if they were words of caution.

Today in Genetics, we covered intersexed conditions, and of course I listened with rapt interest. And then it occurred to me: I have a lot of biology and chemistry knowledge that could be put to good use for a wide variety of people. I really should get up here and post a Guide to Correction of Gender Anomalies. There are many people I know, several of whom read this journal, that could benefit from a better understanding of hormones and genetics and how to get the most out of your body. So this is a project I am going to undertake, it is just a matter of when. Time is not something I have in ample supply these days.

Got gender issues? Let Cameron cancel your subscription!

You know, I logged in here with something to say, and now that I'm here, I have no notion as to what that something was. I think it was something sappy, but I'm too tired to really be sure.

Good night you princes of Maine, you kings of New England.

This morning was nothing short of spectacular. I came down out of the treehouse in deep fog, and as I drove into the city to get on the highway to cross over into Indiana, the sun came up just enough to set the dense fog on fire. It began to lift, revealing segments of the skyscrapers hiding within. It was ethereal, like something from a dream. And on the I-64 Bridge, the fog that clung to the river's surface curled over the edges of the bridge like spectral fingers. As cars drove through those apparitional digits, they swirled and spiraled in the cars' wake.

The Knobs are beginning to be dotted with vibrant color, and I took a moment during work this morning to pause in front of those plate glass windows on the third floor and look out over the misty hills beyond. Splashes of yellow, orange and red are dotted among the rolling green. I found myself feeling very fortunate. It showed in an ever-present smile that most do not question because most are used to seeing it by now. This is what it is to be contented.

It has been a long day, and I am very tired, but that in no way has subtracted from my overall good mood. I was lauded in chemistry for making an astute observation, was commended by my boss by being recommended to work for Dr. Hunt's Cell and Evolution classes in addition to Genetics and general prep, and I was asked my opinion on the next step my genetics lab should take.

So why am I saying all of this? Why is it important? It's certainly not a case of me being boastful, nor is it me trying to make my case for why I am a worthy human being (though it wouldn't have been that long ago that that would have been the case). This is simply me being happy and wanting to share my happiness. Everyone deserves to know what this feels like. For a very long time, I never thought I would, and now that I have, I want everyone else to experience it too.

That being said, as much as I want to be the tide that lifts all ships, I'm not going to make the mistake I always make and sacrifice myself for everyone else's benefit. It took me awhile, but I finally figured out that I can't raise all ships if I'm completely drained.

I just came across an "ineffably awesome" tag, which is ineffably awesome in its own right. I am now aspiring to be worthy of having such a tag applied to me.

Additionally, I want to have someone who sounds like this, and I want to sound like this to someone.

I know that seems strange, but I really do think in music, and that's easier to translate than saying I'd like to have someone who is a phenol with low electronegativity and complete pi system that I would like to undergo hydrolysis and form an ether linkage with. Wow, that seems so... kinky... when put like that.

I'm such a nerd...

This post is dedicated to zombie_records, because he's just that sexy.


Hone Again, Home Again

I broke the lab dishwasher at work. I mean really broke it. One of the other lab techs found me in class to show me just how badly I broke it.

Inside was a perfect cube of dense, white, sudsy foam. It was so dense you could take it out and it would still be a cube. What I did, I don't know. Theories abound, but needless to say I was utterly humiliated.

It was because of this unfortunate incident that I realized that having a good reputation is not always a good thing.

I am glad that people have high expectations for me, and I do everything in my power to live up to them. But reputations can be like rumors. The further away from the source they get, the more distorted they become. Somewhere down the line I'll be made out to be some kind of underachieving supergenius that has already solved spacetime and cured cancer, but I'm just slacking in school because I lack direction (or something equally insane).

I'm already starting to see this manifest to a certain degree. I ask for help, and I'm starting to see people say things like, "I'm sure you can figure it out." Not really. I wouldn't be asking if I hadn't tried every weapon in my arsenal. This is especially bad when it comes to computational things. I'm once again running into people that have become convinced that I'm "too smart" to not know how to add. I'm obviously just not applying myself! Do you know how sick I am of hearing that?

Anyway, it becomes a big deal when The Great and Mighty Cameron does something dumb. With anyone else, it's just blown off with a wave of the hand. Things happen. That's life. But with me, it's all, "maybe he's not what we thought he was." This is honestly the story of my life, both in work and in my personal life.

I'm just a person. Just because I'm right at home making recombinant organisms or destabilizing benzene, that doesn't make me any smarter/better/stronger/faster than anyone else. I'm not superman. Sure, I'd love to be a hero to somebody, minus the super part. No pedestals or ivory towers or lauds and laurels for me. Set the bar high and make me go the extra mile, but know that I have limits.

More importantly, know that I can fail. I can drop the ball, disappoint, not rise to the challenge. I mess up. I get tired. I burn out. I need to walk away sometimes. I can't give 300% 300% of the time. Believe me, I want to, but it just isn't possible. Please don't think less of me because I ended up being just another guy. At the end of the day, I'm just me, and that's all I can ever be. So if that's not enough, I'm not the man you thought I was.

Look what I made!





I also posted pics of my sexy apartment on Facebook.

This is going to be not as in depth as I would like, because Japanese looms nigh...


Revelation #1 - Time travel is possible. I know this to be true because while zoning out to an oceanography lecture that I couldn't care less about, I saw a glass with a straw in it. The refraction of the light caused by the light moving more slowly through the water made me realize that I was looking about three milliseconds into the past. It's no different than looking at stars. When you look up at night, much of what you are seeing is millions of years into the past.

Revelation #2 - Chemistry is exactly like conservation biology. You have species, populations, recombination of species to form something akin to alleles, and you can even have a form of evolution. And just like conservation biology, affecting the environment of the species causes them to change or become extinct.

Revelation #3 - This one brought to you by House. I hate that show, but I needed to watch something, and the episode I saw was about the game designer using the internet to try to give himself the best care and only getting in his own way. I came to realize just how many people think they have a grasp of something just because they read a blurb about it on the internet. That, and I am reminded once again that I am really very happy that I am no longer a part of the health care universe. Back when I was in it, the internet existed but very few people even knew anything about it. But still, we always had the, "well, I read in a book..." or "my friend X has [insert anecdotal experience here] and she says Y..." Really. If you came to the hospital, you obviously don't have the answers. Shut up and let them do their job.

Sayonara!

I have some time while I'm waiting for the shaking incubator I'm repairing to drain, so I thought I'd take a moment to get something off my chest.

I know, I'm blogging while on the clock. Next I'll be knocking over convenience stores with a sawed off.

But anyway...

So what is it with being jaded? I mean really. I could go on for hours about the sunset I saw yesterday because it was that great. It looked like pre-raphaelite oil painting. It was pretty amazing. But no one cares about this. It's just a sunset. We have one every day. Big deal.

I was further moved by the crisp, distinctly autumn morning. It was so bright and clear, and there are hints of fall colors beginning to appear in the leaves. Most people here on campus didn't even notice, or complained about the cold. I was thoroughly invigorated.

I can't help but notice the number of people I've encountered that find being jaded and aloof a virtue. It's almost as though it is used as a way of proving maturity, that awe and wonder are childish things only acceptable when you are 4 and still asking why about everything.

It occurred to me yesterday while driving across the I-65 bridge back into Louisville, and the low sun downriver making all the skyscrapers sparkle and glow a dull orange, and those puffy purplish blue clouds overhead, that I would have traded away anything and everything to have someone with me at that moment who could truly appreciate such a splendor. If the Kami of Fate had appeared before me at that moment and asked me to choose between my future in academia and my future with a boy that could sit in awed, wide-eyed silence at the scene before me, I would have without a second thought chosen the boy.

The same thing repeated itself again today while I was in lab. I was working with a variant of the GFP, isolating the protein itself into an eppendorf tube. One of my labmates commented on just how much protein I had, and we both excitedly went over to the black light to oooh at it. My first thought was, "I have to save this and share it with.... oh, wait." Pathetic, but still. When things like this happen, I just want to share it with someone that isn't going to be all, "so what?" about it. It just annoys me to no end when people front like they don't care. I'm sorry. It's a protein that glows in the dark. You care. It's too awesome for you not to care. My professor has been doing this for 20 years and she still cares. Because it's that awesome.

Now I know that I get all happy over way too many things. I don't expect everyone to share my excessive enthusiasm over, say, Cheerwine or Bojangles, or even the Ben Meadows catalog or visiting Tractor Supply. That's reasonable, and not at all what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people that intentionally hide the fact that something makes them fascinate because they are afraid of how it will make them look. And it shouldn't matter what you fascinate over, for the record. If you get happy over bean sprouts or a toasted PB&J, then good on you. At least you have the balls to get happy over something.

I don't honestly care if people think I'm childish or immature or whatever about the fact that things make me excited and move me. What I do care about is that I have no one to share my enthusiasm with. I miss being able to get passionate about chemistry or biology or geology and watch they eyes of the listener grow wide as they catch my enthusiasm and become just as fascinated. I miss silent communication. I miss sharing an experience, like that amazing sunset over the river, with someone and knowing they get it - that they understand. Okay, well, actually I don't because that is something I have honestly never had but have always longed for.

If you are out there, if you can hear me (and I mean really hear me), then tell me what it is you are afraid to say. Tell me about red leaves and thunderstorms and rainbows and misty mornings and pastel sunsets. Tell me and I will do more than listen. I will understand. And then, if you would like, I will tell you all that my eyes have seen and what my heart has known.

I need a break after 3 straight hours of organic chemistry.

The first and most base level of the mind is perception. It is the result of pure sensory input and instinctual reaction to it. It is one dimensional, visceral, and without complexity. It is rooted in self, and without any other factors to define it, cannot branch beyond those roots. It is a foundation upon which things can be built.

The second dimension is knowledge. The interesting thing about knowledge is that it is transitory. Knowledge is anything learned. Many have the notion that knowledge is inherently true, but knowledge is simply something known. The trueness, correctness or rightness of that knowledge is in fact irrelevant. Knowledge and perception interplay, each bending and shaping the other. When perception is stronger than knowledge, knowledge is simply a reinforcement of a selfish point of view, supporting whatever internal state already exists. It causes knowledge to stagnate, creating a kind of willful ignorance. It is the state from which bigotry, intolerance and hatred are born.

However, when knowledge is stronger than perception, the reverse is true. The sensory input that is meant to temper knowledge is deadened, culminating in cold, unfeeling logic. The human, indeed the organic base of existence is denied in favor of promoting the intellectual and cerebral component, resulting in detachment and is no less two dimensional than the aspect that is perception-biased. Indeed, it breeds its own form of bigotry distilled from the arrogance of being learned and being in possession of a knowledge that others do not. The mind becomes just as closed, trapped forever in a flat prison of data that lacks the dimensions of insight and depth.

Perception and knowledge are meant to balance one another. Perception utilizes that instinctual side to sense what is valid and useful, and knowledge exists to be a seed around which ideas form. Alone, each is a tool rendered useless by missing components. Together they form the matrix of ingenuity.

Extrapolation lends a third dimension to the mind, borne of ingenuity created by the successful blending of perception and knowledge. It lends a flexibility to knowledge that allows it to bend and change, while still shaped by the instinctual and sensory input of perception. It integrates the unfocused notions of the gut with the raw data of logic and creates the ability to detect patterns and connect dots to form a greater picture. The perception aspect senses that there are somehow similarities in things obviously different, knowledge gives a context in which to place that instinctual observation through the employ of learned nomenclature, components and properties. Extrapolation takes these findings and employs them against other findings, forming models that both ask and answer questions pertaining to the deeper implications of these patterns.

The fourth dimension is that of abstraction. It is the ability to take all of the available information and the larger picture it paints, then make leaps of logic into unrelated realms. It is the ability to apply sense and knowledge to not only connect new dots to form new pictures, but to find how the new picture and the old also connect.

When all four corners of the planar geometry of the mind coalesce into one seamless, functional form, the mind is no longer bound to a single plane. The mind becomes three dimensional, a tetrahedron - a form so perfect in its balances of interplaying forces of resistance and attraction that it is the chief structure of organic molecules. Single aspects come together to form aspects of a functional whole, the space within containing the ultimate result of such a profound harmonization: true and genuine understanding.

That just happened!

I had to go to Wally Land to get some items for these childish experiments my hated Oceanography professor made us do as homework. raikyaku tagged along because he needed to buy a suit for some high falutin' corporate shindig he's attending on Wednesday. I told him to order the roast duck with mango salsa.

Anyway, so we get to Wal-Mart, he goes clothes shopping and I go get food coloring and eggs for these retarded experiments. I left the instruction sheet in the cart, which had the actual lab report forms stapled to it. I return with the supplies, only to discover that someone stole my shopping cart.

With my homework in it.

Now how's that for an excuse to lay on a professor? That's right up there with "the dog ate it." I mean really. I think even I would have a hard time buying that, and it happened to me!

I couldn't be pissed about it, because it was just too funny. Though I did spend time running around the store spying on shopping carts to see if I could find my homework. I never did.

As sheer luck would have it, I, for reasons I can't readily explain, discover a second copy of the labs in the car. So it all worked out in the end. But let's just say that lesson is learned. People will truly steal anything from a Wal-Mart.

My long-running chemistry lab is on Tuesday. So is the premiere of V. That sucks. Here's to hoping the episodes will be online.

In other news, my boss gave me pornthe Ben Meadows catalog, and told me to have fun with it. Oh, no problems there...

Kinda makes me feel like river dancin'.

For all of you that are fans of everything seme, uke and onnagirai, I have finally posted something new to jackdupp. It is, as always, public, so even if you are not friended to my other journal, you can still read it.

Just a note, though: since it is public, I decided to mark it as containing adult material simply because it discusses queerness (which is offensive to some), and will inevitably discuss sexuality and sex. And since I am polite and considerate, I put on an extra layer of protection by using cuts. So far, nothing really all that objectionable has been written about, save sexuality. I'll note in the cut if I am writing about anything particularly racy.

Thanks, and enjoy!

( Cam does the happy dance )

So my epic day of exams is on! Three today, one tomorrow. Then I'm back on track.

Already had my Oceanography and Organic Chem, and I have a small break before my Japanese make-up exam. Tomorrow is Genetics.

I just finished the Organic Chem exam, and it was... surprisingly intense. Dr. Nassim pulls no punches, that's for sure. I had no problems with it, except for the problems I had with it. I was in a little office/lab all by my lonesome to take it, and there were several questions that I had no idea what he was trying to ask for. For example:

"Using curved arrows, indicate the flow of H+ when indole is a Bronstead-Lowry acid and B: is a base." Okay, was that B: as in a Boron ion with a Lewis dot structure? Was that B: as in ye ol' generic base? I had no idea! And there was no one to ask. So I took a huge guess. Hope I guessed right. I guess if I had a few more pistons firing, I would have just done it for both.

But other than one-offs, I was pleased with how easy the test was. I expect to do badly on it because of those questions where I am pretty sure I gave the responses I thought he wanted instead of the answers he asked for, but hey. Next time I will be in class and will have someone to ask.

And each question had so many parts! I hate questions like these because I always miss something. Draw, then label, then give charges, then calculate charges, then signify carbon states, then identify functional groups, then draw smiley faces at the four corners of the page kind of things. I hate those. And of course the missed smiley faces are the bulk weight of the points. Gah!

At least the Japanese test will be straightforward and the Oceanography test was a multiple choice scantron.

Despite returning to campus earlier than I really think I should have, and some occasional bouts of confused dizziness where patterns in the floor undulate like a relentless sea, I think I am in recovery.

At least I better be, because tomorrow is the day I make up my missed exams. ALL of them.

But I consider it a good sign that I have moments of abstract thought. For almost two weeks now I have not been able to do much with my brain, but that seems to be changing. Just a few days ago, likening a carpet to the ocean would have been beyond me. Or using the word "liken" for that matter. In fact, I had a brief moment of pure lucidity where I wrote a short treatise on the layers of the mind. Now that is marked improvement. However, my brain gave out somewhere in the process, and it never got finished.

I have to say that even though this has thoroughly kicked my ass, I have learned quite a bit from it. Lesson one is that spinal taps suck hardcore. Other than that, it has given me some insight into thinking and how people think. During my moment of lucidity, I realized that a fully functional brain is very much like a simple carbon compound when in balance (yes it always goes back to chemistry).

That realization led to another - the importance of space and resistance. Had my mind been functioning properly, this would have led to a chain reaction that ultimately would have resulted in one of my philosophical warblings. Still, I'm just happy that I've managed to at least get two pistons to fire.

I'm looking forward to getting past all this and settling into my old routine.

( This Is Spinal Tap )