katsuninken (かつにんけん)

This post is dedicated to astherushcomess, who asked me, "What field are u going towards in geology?"


( The Hopes, Fears and Dreams Post )


And for those of you who might be reading this that have a thing for psychology and deep, dark secrets, this is for you: ( A TMI Moment )

( It's Started )

I do hope that those of you that have been following my seme/uke threads will take a moment to read this, because I think it is my best piece on the subject yet. And please give opinions and/or ask me questions if you want to know more.

What It Means To Be A Seme

So OKCupid was kind enough to make me a map, hoping to guide seekers of my heart to their destination. It's in the form of a flow cart, called Would I Go On a Date With You?. The link takes you to my map.

So, according to this, if you're a queer and not a stoner, I'll get with you.

If only it was that easy. Seriously.

And you'd think that after answering something like 1600 matchme questions, they could do a little better than this.

*NOTE: My gut suspicion tells me that this term is not in use anywhere except America, making the assertions made by heteronormativity proponents proof of a greater problem - Americacentricism (one made up word deserves another as far as I'm concerned). Think I'm wrong? Well by all means put me in my place.



( Heternormativity )


*ADDITIONAL NOTE: It should be mentioned that this was wriiten by someone who publicly supports polygamy, namely me.

I am tired. No, tahrd is more appropriate.

I have been busting hump since 8am, and I'm not done yet. I'm just taking a break.

Laundry, yard work, house cleaning, cooking, habitat maintenance... lots to do. Though most of it is done at this point. This is all part of the going back to school process wherein I start classes with an organized, non-harrowing environment that leaves me nothing to worry about but organic chemistry, genetics, oceanography and Japanese.

Though a real desk must happen. I tried for two semesters to make the one I have work, but it just doesn't. Plain and simple.

I am stupidly excited about returning to class. Yes, I am that much of a nerd, and proud of it. I miss the lab. I feel somehow diminished without a beaker of something in hand.

I am proud of the fact that I live my life by the direction of forethought. It might seem kind of cold and calculating, but I like to think of it as efficient. I look at everything in my life that demands my regular attention, and knowing that in just a few short weeks I will not have the ability to provide my undivided attention, I am setting things up to be self-sustaining.

My menagerie of critters have upgraded habitats that require me to water them on occasion and it's done. They completely run themselves. This is the benefit of using live plants instead of adding food that will die and require cleaning. Just add water. The rest takes care of itself.

The fish are also going to automation. Their equipment is substandard to begin with, and I just won't have the time to do daily water checks because the filtration looks like something from the Louisville sewers. Pouch filters suck anyway. They are a complete waste of time and money. I'm going to run all tanks on one central filter pump, something akin to what cycles water for swimming pools, only smaller. And just to make sure they are not neglected, I am considering an automated feeder for them. If I had more money, I'd condense all of the tanks into one ginormous wall unit.

Soon. But not just yet.

And I mention all of this as a way to reveal why I am a failure as a mate. This is also how I treat people. When I know I can't be there as much as I need to be, I try to facilitate the meeting of needs without me actually being there. Thoughtful? Yes. Effective? Not even. People need more than to be thought of and provided for. They need actual interaction.

And let's face it, no one enjoys playing second fiddle to anything, which is ultimately what all this boils down to. But my class schedule is rigorous, and is the key to my future and the ability to me being an attentive, doting and devoted husband someday. It's the someday that's the problem, though. I mean, who would want to be living in that kind of shadow? I know I wouldn't.

People have needs. You just can't simply ask them to be patient, because it doesn't matter what you can do for them in the future if they are unhappy now.

( Wherein Cameron Speaks In Extended Metaphor )

Once upon a time, I was following a blog I stumbled across while killing time on OKCupid. It was the humorous but tragic adventures of a woman who had the gumption to dare to include in her profile that she had a PhD - a real PhD, not one of those online school degrees of a mail order Doctor of Divinity from the Universal Life Church (which I confess I received an ordination from a long time ago LOL!) The blog was a collection of dialogs from people, overwhelmingly men, who wrote to her and told her that she she should not include such information in her profile, as it would scare all the good men away.

Like I said, hilarious, but tragic.

So why mention this? Well, while I have no PhD (except my fake one from the ULC, which I got as a joke back in the 90s), I have, unfortunately encountered a similar occurrence in my own life.

I found an interesting guy studying a topic of interest to me (and isn't a science! *gasp!*) and lives in a place that I find interesting because I've never been there but once dreamed of living there. I took it upon myself to correspond with said interesting guy, and we hit it off.

We got to the topic of philosophy, and we began discussing Kant. I was happy, because I do believe this was the very first time I talked about this kind of thing with someone that wasn't just a coffeehouse intellectual talking out of his depth about things that he really didn't understand and hoped to cow and impress you with big words. No, he knew his stuff. So I got brave and decided to talk about the overlap point between religion, philosophy and science.

And I never heard from him again.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? It's not like I don't know what will happen. It is always the same.

I'm not one of those people that gets a superiority high out of making people feel stupid. I don't play such games. Nor am I in it to humiliate, intimidate, denigrate, consternate, or any other word that ends in -ate for that matter. Well, except for maybe ameliorate. That I'm happy to do. I'm in it just to talk. I like to talk about big things and big ideas. But I guess talking about big ideas is like putting that you have a PhD on a dating site profile - it's guaranteed to backfire.

I can't help but wonder what the real problem is. Is it that my thinking is just that weird and off the wall? Or is it that people are so used to such discussions being a setup or trap that they are conditioned to cut and run? Both? Neither? Pat, I'd like to buy a clue.

Now I know I'm weird. And that's fine. There are plenty of people in the world that value weird. But maybe I'm too weird? I don't know.

I think in the long run it is because I am such a bizarre juxtaposition of opposites. I'm a refined redneck. I'm a geek that hates computers, despite my aptitude for them and electronics in general. I'm a nerd with social grace. I have a vocabulary but hate reading. I love technology but desire to live as a rustic. I'm a conservationist that likes to go hunting (though I haven't done so in a very long time). I look to the future with one foot in the past.

So is my paradoxical nature a recipe for disaster? I can't help but wonder if being composed of such contradictory parts will condemn me to being the man without a country.

I really don't understand Western views of things like sex and sexuality. From what I understand, considering the sheer number of organizations out there trying to regulate sex, in the Christian world sex is immoral. I have yet to figure out how this makes sense, and I wager it never will - especially since I come from a religion that has Kanamara Matsuri - the Festival of the Steel Phallus. Once a fertility festival, now it is a celebration of sexuality and a fund raiser to raise money for HIV/AIDS research. Oh, and it's still a fertility festival too, where people go to pray for increased intimacy in their relationships or to be freed from sexual dysfunction. This is a festival where the props and party favors are penises. That could never happen in this country, where Christian censors try to have Michelangelo's David's genitals covered over because they are indecent.

This festival is a place where all sexuality is celebrated. Queers of every stripe of the rainbow flag attend, as well as just regular people that aren't in a relationship of any kind. The locals of Kawasaka don't just support this debauched display, they are fiercely proud of it. They don't look at their festival as an outlandish pink penis parade like we would. If we had such a thing, it would be to shock people, embarrass people and elicit attention and immature giggles.

Here in a country where some people base their entire identity on sexual shock value, we could never have a festival where sex and genitals are just another thing to enjoy and be happy about. I wish we in this country just grow the hell up.

A while back I was posed a question that I've been revisiting lately. The question was: since I practice Kaigen and I am heavily influenced by Zen, how can I have a relationship without violating the oath to not succumb to attachment?

It's a good question.

On the surface, any kind of relationship is an attachment, so monks secluded in their Zenke would not be allowed to form friendships. However, "attachment"

in this case is not the forming of relationships. Attachment refers to clinging. There's a big difference.

The Shinto side of Kaigen has the stance that love is natural. It feels so strongly about this idea that there are kami dedicated to love, and it even has a creation myth for the origins of homosexuality. This is paired with the Zen prohibition against denying your nature, essentially saying that if it is in your nature to love, then love can be a tool to discovering and developing your Buddha nature. Anything that makes you whole and at peace is not an attachment.

In addition, Kaigen is built upon the notion shared by both Shinto and Zen that all things are connected, and that all things are embued with spirit. That same essence or spirit is also within us, so we are all the same. In zen, the Great Delusion that perpetuates suffering is the illusion of separation. When people attempt to maintain the delusion of separation, they deny that underlying sense of connection, and the forcible break in that connection creates suffering and the sense of feeling isolated and alone. Because we are all made up of the same essence or spirit, we automatically have relationships with others because they are us.

Attachment creates need, and the clinging to that need denies and corrupts true connection. Attchment results when someone uses something outside himself as a replacement for something that is damaged or seems to be missing within them. It is the same as needing objects to have a sense of history and to prove that you have lived your life. The objects are not your history, you are. However, when you use objects to be your history and those objects are lost, great suffering is felt.

You cannot lose that which has shaped you. Your history is with you, even into following lifetimes.

The same is true with attachments to people. Love between people is an expression of their natures and an amplification of that which is already within them. But some fall for the delusion that the other person is the source of their happiness and love and therefore develop a need for them. Should that person leave or pass on, great agony and a sense of loss is experienced because it is felt that now that the source of love and happiness is gone, so too is love and happinness and the hope of finding it again.

This is the kind of attachment that is forbidden in Zen, and the same kind of attachment that I have vowed to shun. Loving relationships are actually encouraged in Kaigen because of their ability to push a consciousness into greater understanding, not just because it is an expression of one's true nature. Besides, if relationships were discouraged, there wouldn't be any more people, now would there?

But then again, as I am fond of saying: Clarity of thought is the first and last deception, for understanding transcends mere thought.

 

Selfish me, always on about how we traditional Semes have it tough and always get a bad rap. Sure it is tough to be the hand that guides, but if you think about it, it is just as difficult to be the one guided by the hand.

History is rife with examples of both the traditional Seme and the traditional uke, and their respective mirrors in other cultures, but having the historical reference isn't all that terribly helpful when you live in a culture that is currently devoid of living examples and models from which to draw. It is easy to read about the beautiful and fierce samurai boy loves in the Great Mirror of Male Love, but it is very difficult to find a way to express that in modern western society.

I got to thinking about this very intently after speaking to such a modern day uke and talking to him about how he manifests his uke-ness in the world and how that manifestation interacts with a Seme. His responses had me thinking long after I was asleep, and I dreamed about hashing this stuff out through much of the night. And even though that dream eventually gave way to a scary McGuyver dream, I still found myself with a moment of inspiration.

Modern ukes have only three sources from which to flesh out their innate drives:

1. Modern Gay Culture.  And let's face it, the model here is not a positive one, nor is it a real source for introspection of the uke mindset. In fact, the gay comminuty tends to ruin ukes by exploiting their innate tendencies. The boys of the gay world resemble in only miniscule ways the ways of the inborn uke, and not in any way that really matters.
2. BDSM Communities.  It seems like a good fit at first- Dominants and submissives all together doing their thing- until you realize that their thing has zero to do with your actual drives and desires as an uke. The BDSM world is the closest thing most ukes get to what they really are inside, so they stuff themselves into that mold even though they don't fit and belong elsewhere.
3. Anime/Manga.  For those blessed ukes that have either avoided the pitfalls of the previous two or simply have not had much exposure to them, Japanese animation tends to be where ukes get their notions of what it is to be uke and the what they think an uke should be like. After all, who would know better than the Japanese? There's a couple of flaws in that plan, though. For one, anime Seme/uke dynamics are highly idealized, romanticized and styled. They're a bit of an exaggeration and it's pretty difficult to fill the fictional shoes of an uke that can do no wrong. The other is that there are many different types of Seme/uke dynamic covered in the medium. How's a boy to choose?

The only way an uke can find himself is to sound the depths and compare them to the archetypes presented. Admittedly it is very hard to do this as actual examples of the Seme/uke dynamic are very rare. The best thing for a questioning uke is to use the models set forth in anime and see which sets off the most intense reaction. If a particular interaction sets off a pervasive sense of longing, then you are that type of uke. If they all do, then you are a very special and unique kind of uke.

Types Of ukes As Definfed By Their Semes:

It is the nature of the uke to be defined by his Seme. This is generally the rule in any person that is submissive by nature. And while there are as many different types of uke as there are Semes to define them, there are a few pervasive categories:

• The Daddy/boi Style. In anime, I think nothing typifies this more than the series Gravitation. Characterized by a significantly younger uke that acts childish and cute to seek attention from his older, more mature Seme, this dynamic is the closest to anything mainstream BDSM has to offer. This dynamic is actually pretty tough for the typical Seme, because the Seme is essentially playing role of father and lover to a boi that is looking to him (whether he knows it or not) for correction. The uke in this dynamic is like a hyper, untrained puppy, and there is no coincidence that ukes of this type are often comically portrayed in kitty or puppy suits to create a visual metaphor for this state. Many uke anime fans are drawn in by this dynamic because it on the surface appears to be cute, cuddly and fun, and in some cases because it is perceived as being a bit more permissive. However, this dynamic can be dangerous and is rarely healthy. They are also ubiquitously impermanent.
• The Savior Seme/angry boi Style. Hundreds of examples for this exist, and for me Yami no Matsuei comes to mind. It stands to fact that I have personally encountered the effects of this kind of dynamic being used as a model. A damaged boi elects to remain damaged because he has no other way to interface with the world or his Seme, and gets the connection he craves by constantly needing the Seme to repair him. This should in no way be confused with victim culture thinking. It is not a matter of having no identity outside of trauma, it is a matter of creating need. This dynamic is based on desperation. The thinking is that if my Seme always has to fix me and he likes fixing me, then he will always need me. It is also a case of needing to prove to himself that he is loved by pushing his Seme away repeatedly to see if the Seme will repeatedly return. This dynamic is a pitiable case, and not for the weak or unskilled Seme. With an experienced and truly dedicated Seme at the helm, this dynamic can, through great trial and anguish, be shifted- especially if this is a tack employed by the uke to create a need or dependency.
• The Servant Seme/leader uke Style. I've not come across many examples of this, which might explain why it is a dynamic that is rarely explored, but one such case would be Yukimora and Saizo in Samurai Deeper Kyo. This is the toughest dynamic for the modern day uke, and if you find yourself in this situation, I bow to you. Being a leader uke is hard because you must first come to grips with and understand the difference between social hierarchy and interpersonal hierarchy. Then you must undergo the daunting task of finding that rare Seme that also understands this and can allow his uke to lead others while he leads the uke. It's tough for a Seme who likes to be in the driver's seat to play a passive role in any hierarchy, just as it is for an uke who wants to be servile and passive, but it's not impossible. A Seme's role is to serve just as much as it is the uke's, and if serving as an uke's loyal retainer is how you can best love and serve him, then that's what you do.
• The Warrior Seme/warrior uke Style. Epitomized by Shigure and Gentatsu in the Samurai X movie, this is the closest the Seme/uke dynamic gets to relational equality. This dynamic is based on two men of pretty equal standing and ability being in love, and out of that love, one elects to submit to the other and take on the role of uke. He expresses his love through obedience, passiveness, loyalty and service. His Seme provides for him, protects him, loves him, gifts him, and respects his uke enough to allow his uke to speak his mind and even question the Seme if it is done respectfully, gently and demurely. In Heian Japan, a couple like this would have been refered to as classic "woman haters" and would more than likely have bonded for life. To any uke, this would appear to be the ideal, but I have found that most ukes do not pursue this model because they think it is impossible or requires too much discipline. Admittedly, finding a tempered, mild-mannered Seme is pretty difficult for the modern uke, but happiness and deep contentment are worth the effort.
• The Master Seme/student uke Style.  A fairly typical Seme/uke pairing, as suggested in the series Koutetsu Sangokushi, and a fairly traditional one as well. Historically, a boy would be sent to be a page to a daimyo, and acolyte to a priest, or a student of a samurai, and the boy falls in love with his superior because of his deep respect for him. In this case, the uke in question is typically very submissive and very dedicated to whatever task he is to perform or whatever subject he is to learn from his Master. Though these kinds of pairings can be permanent, unusually once the uke ages and grows in skill, he moves on. This kind of pairing for the modern uke is common, as an uke will become the lover of an experienced Seme to learn the art of being an uke, or simply to gain skills at, say, a college or university while still being able to express the drive of serving and being submissive.
• The Destined Seme/magical uke Style. Don't laugh. This is an actual archetype in actual employ, found in the likes of Mirage of Blaze (if you overlook the screwed-upedness of the relationship). The uke in question discovers he has a deep spiritual purpose that he yearns to fill, and he sets out on a life quest to discover himself, what he is, what he can do, and what it all means. Joining him on his quest is a protector figure Seme that may himself be a mystical and/or spiritual type. For questioning or gender variant ukes, this pairing is quite common as he uses the strength and experience of his Seme to help him unravel the mysteries of himself and finds love along the way. However, Mirage of Blaze depicts the hazards of this type of pairing pretty clearly: protection leading to obsession for the Seme and the potential of the seeker uke to try to mold himself into what he thinks his Seme wants and ruining himself as a result.
• The Guy Next Door Seme/holy grail uke Style.  Earlier, I mentioned a very special and unique kind of uke that I like to call the Holy Grail of ukes. He's just a boy. That's it. Innocent of his beauty and charms, he is a simple boy who knows himself and thus is himself. Quiet and shy, he is loved by all, but the Holy Grail uke is willing to wait until his heart, mind and body all agree that The One has come along. He finds a lonely but happy and kind Seme that is as uncomplicated as he, but as they are both shy and gentle, awkwardness ensues that is quickly followed by perfect happiness and bliss. Such a story is exemplified in Ryokunohara Labyrinth. This is The Ultimate of Ultimates for most ukes, and many Semes as well, but bloody near impossible to find, hence it being called the Holy Grail. The truth about this dynamic is that anyone can have it. In fact, anybody can find that amazing love at first sight romance. The trick is what you do with it after you get it. Love takes a lot of work and preventative maintenance to stay alive and to bloom. It also requires the understanding that there are always going to be periods where love is not in flower, but as long as you keep the plant green and healthy the flowers will bloom again.

So what does all of this mean? how does all of this help an uke find his place in the modern world? The first step is to separate fact from fiction and what's possible versus the imopissible or implausible from sources like anime. Yes, that's right. It's time for yet another list:

Rule #1: Anime uses fantasy elements as SYMBOLS! Pathetic fanboys out there saving themselves for an impossibly thin, androgynous, pointy eared magical elf with flowing, unnatural colored hair end up angry, lonely and bitter because no one will ever measure up to the ideal. All of these elements that fanboys get lost in are there to serve a purpose other than eye candy. Body types in anime are there to tell you something- slenderness, while sexy, generally denote an emphasis of the spiritual or mystical over the physical. Likewise flowing hair. Magic is used to be a visual representation of influences we can and/or do have on our environment, sometimes as an indicator for states of mind. If you are looking for a Seme that is deeply spiritual and/or with a mystical bent, that's fine. Just don't expect them to throw fireball of chi energy from their palms.

Rule #2: Semes are only perfect when they're drawn that way. No one belongs on a pedestal, and putting them there always results in shattered lives. Yes Semes are the dominant party, but even Semes can be shy, awkward, and have moments when they don't know what to say or do. This doesn't make them bad or insufficient as Semes, it makes them human. It makes them real people. Semes get sick, they get hurt, they have moments of weakness, and yes, even if they have a hard time telling you what they are, they have needs. So sorry, ukes, it can't be about you ALL the time.

Rule #3: Being eternally coy is NOT charming! Sure it works in Fake, but this again another example of the use of symbolism- specifically of dedication and devotion. The best of Semes can only pursue for so long before he begins to feel like he's always going to fall short. That's not to say you shouldn't put a suitor Seme through his paces to prove he's got the goods, but you can't play with his heart. And playing innocent like you don't know what the Seme is about is even worse. Playing hard to get for too long will only make your Seme hard to get.

Rule #4: Being super clingy and overeager is NOT cute! Just like being played with will leave a Seme cold, so too will being a tumor on his life. Yes, a good uke is shaped and controlled by his Seme, but this is in no way permission to be utterly codependent. Submissive and needy are not synonyms. A Seme is not there to be your mind, to tell you what you should and shouldn't like, or the person you should be. An uke with no mind and no self is no uke.

Rule #5: Ukes have responsibilities, too. Yes the Seme is the pilot, but the uke is the co-pilot. Like Patton said, any commanding officer worth his salt will consult with his subordinates. An uke, if he knows something is going to go wrong and never said a word about it, is not absolved of blame because he is the passive one. If an uke cares about himself, his life and his Seme, he will speak up and take action. He will, in the proper and respectful ways, voice his opinion or dissent. Likewise, the uke is required to defend or protect the Seme when he is unable to do so. He is capable without needing to be in control. He is fierce without needing to prove it. An uke's ultimate motivation is what is good for hise Seme, even if that means dissent.

Stay tuned for Episode II - What an uke Should Look for in a Seme.

I got out of work early one day, and decided to go visit my boy in the department that he works in. He was working a closing shift, but was about an hour and a half away from his dinner break, so I decided to hang around and go to dinner with him. The cute little store he clerks has a tiny little coin laundry and a small assortment of books left or donated for people to read while waiting through their spin cycles. One of these was a book called Relationship Rescue by Phillip McGraw, aka "Dr. Phil."

I had to read it.

Now admittedly I hate Oprah with a passion and I don't think much better of the "Good Doctor," but I have read things from people I despise with objectivity before and sometimes I have been surprised by what I find. My opinion of a person does not affect my opinion of what they have to say. Personalities do not define philosophies.

Well, sometimes they don't.

So I sat down to read this book after a hard day at the office, ready to learn something new. I had started the day with a big philosophical roundtable at 6am, and 12 hours later my philosophy gland still needed stimulation. Here's what it got instead:

Hardhammered Point #1 - Your relationship sucks because of you, you and only you so help you you.

Where to begin with why this is fundamentally flawed? The "Good Doctor" spends a good 12 pages badgering the reader on this point and beleaguering the point to the point of exhaustion, and then peppers the diatribe with reminders that this point will be brought up again and again throughout the book. Yes, relationships can suck because people are just that good at picking losers, but that's not the only reason. People growing and changing as they mature in age, emotion, mental capacity, philosophical and even spiritual attitude is not a fault. Growing apart is not a reason for blame. Just as he points out that the counseling techniques he used 20 years ago are not effective now, so too is it true that what made you fall in love with a person 10 years ago is no longer relevant. That's life. It's not your fault, my fault, or anybody else's. It however IS Dr. Phil's fault for not even considering this issue when counseling. We are dynamic beings, always changing. This is a good thing, even if it means outgrowing a relationship.

Hardhammered Point #2 - Something in your lifestyle made your relationship bad.

His own example for why this is the case more effectively disproves this than anything I could put forth in argument. This is a direct quote from the text:


The "Good Doctor" should leave his office or the set of his show more often. Or perhaps where he lives dandelions don't grow up through sidewalks. They sure do here, with impressive results. And you can't tell me that the concrete of those sidewalks is somehow providing an agreeable environment for that dandelion. Please. What simplistic thinking. He is right about one thing though; weeds don't just appear. Birds carry seeds from far and wide, dropping them as they go in your yard without you having a clue. Wind, rain, pets- numerous sources aside from you or negligence on your part all contribute to those weeds. And to top it all off, some weeds are worth having around. After all, dandelions make for good salads and the roasted roots make a tasty coffee.

This is another example from the text that succeeds in eroding as opposed to supporting his claim:


Poor thyroid sufferers. If only they could just make the hard choice to have a normal thyroid function. This is offensive to the point of being inflammatory. The idea that overweight people are overweight because of the choices they make is as erroneous as it is derogatory. Nevermind genetics, nevermind conditions like hypo or hyperthyroidism, nevermind issues that contribute to weight like diabetes, nevermind hormone shifts from things like pregnancy or simply aging. And I live in a place where hardcore through hikers and professional bikers come a dime a dozen, and while they might be "of normal weight," they are the most neurotic and unhealthy people I have ever seen and will most likely die from a heart attack long before an overweight person does. Their physique is not healthy, it is an obsession that generates an extreme amount of stress. There's nothing in that model to emulate. A "normal weight" does not a healthy person make, and it is just as flawed to assume that as it is to assume that an overweight person is overweight from irresponsible eating.

Hardhammered Point #3 - You can't change your partner.

I've been in some really bad relationships with some pretty screwed up people. The idea that your presence has no effect on even the worst of the worst and the most broken of the broken is just flat out wrong. I have seen it with my own eyes that just being there and interacting with another person can change that person in some way. The change might be small, might be insignificant and it might even be for the worse, but it is still there. Each of us comes away with something from each of our relationships. Baggage, scars, memories, something. And all of those things create change whether we know it or not. I've been changed by my past relationships, and I know for a fact they have been changed by me. I am actively shaping and changing the boy I am with now in a profound way. We can change other people, for better or for worse, but we can. In fact, it would be impossible not to.

Hardhammered point #4 - The fact that your relationship sucks is a sure sign that your life isn't working either.

Like those poor thyroid sufferers, I just couldn't make that choice to not be laid off. What a pitiable creature I must be. I also couldn't make that hard decision to be able to afford to finish my degree and have the career I always wanted. Yes, I can very clearly see how it is that my poor decision-making skills have led me to this point. The idea that all failures begin from within needs to die. It needed to die a long time ago. I had nothing to do with the current economy. I had nothing to do with the tech and manufacturing sectors going overseas. I had nothing to do with college tuition being harder to finance than a car or house. Things happen to people that are well beyond their control. These things directly affect people's lives. If they didn't, then and only then would I think there was a problem. And for the record, I don't see the "Good Doctor" ever giving advice on coping with the big things that happen to people and they never saw coming. I also don't see him out there providing retraining for the assembly plant guy that's been at the same plant for 20 years until it went to China. Perhaps he's the one making poor life choices.

Hardhammered Point #5 - Get real.

Buddhism 1, Dr. Phil 0. Zen has a practice of "present moment, only moment." This is the true "real" of most people. The "Good Doctor" asserts that "incidents" along the way and the emotions created by them are but symptoms of an underlying cause and therefore not real issues. If an "incident" is the focus of a person's pain, blathering about the deeper roots will be completely lost. Present pain, only pain. It is a case of a gushing laceration versus a broken finger. Even though the gushing laceration is the important issue, if the broken finger hurts more, the patient will only care about that at that moment. Anyone who has ever worked with patients in a hospital can tell you that. Pain is blinding, but if you remove the pain you can more effectively cure the blindness to the real issues that need to be addressed. One person cannot define what is real to another. They experience what they experience, and the only thing you can do is lead someone from one experience to the next until they get where they need to go, and teach them how to deal with their experiences as they come across them on their journey whether you think they are real or not.

Hardhammered Point #7 - If it works for these X number of people, it will for you too.

No two people are the same, no matter how similar they might be, but people are absolutely convinced that one well executed formula can work the same miracles on everyone everywhere. Case in point would be me. I am quite literally mentally handicapped. I cannot perform the most basic of mathematical functions. I cannot add without help and numerical values have no meaning whatsoever to me. But because I have adapted so well and overdeveloped the rest of my skills to compensate, I universally get the same thing everywhere I go: "Well, you are obviously a smart person; I'm sure I can teach you." No you can't. I am physically unable to learn to work with numbers. And it's not a case of me not being able to because I've closed my mind to it either. I have tried all my life to "learn" or "be cured" of my handicap. In fact the fact that I can't is still a sore spot to me. The point is, though, that regardless of how effective their methodology was, it was never going to work on me. Likewise, I learn new skills by doing, so showing me or telling me is pretty much useless, though that way works just fine with others. The idea that one seven step system will fix any relationship is absurd. Communication barriers are not the only breakdown in a relationship, though many relationship help guides focus on it. This one is no different. Being able to talk openly about problems doesn't mean you will have the knowhow to solve them.

Hardhammered Point #8 - Being uninterested in sex, cuddliness and physical closeness is inherently BAD!

Today I had a really bad day at work and it left me depleted. I wanted to be alone to get sorted out. This does not in any way mean that the boy and I are on the rocks or that I don't find him comforting. For whatever reason, everyone needs alone time. I have yet to see a healthy relationship where the people involved were pretty much attached at the hip. In fact, most of those I've seen are the false smile codependent types of relationships. Now admittedly the boy and I are lucky. We enjoy spending the bulk of our time with each other and from the outside everyone thinks we are attached at the hip. But in truth we both take us time, because it is necessary maintenance. And also contrary to popular belief, a little escapism (be it just from your partner or just from life) is far from a bad thing. A good step outside your life, even for a moment, can often times allow you to come back with a fresh perspective on things. For me, it amplifies my appreciation for my boy and reminds me just what he means to me. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

Hardhammered Point #9 - Empathy is a sham.

Dr. Phil actually described empathy as a "crock" and included it in his 10 relationship myths. His exact views on the subject are as follows:


Wow. It looks like the entire health care profession, including psychology, is in real trouble. If empathy does not exist, then there is no hope of a doctor or a therapist being able to help a patient. Come on. The entire premise of psychology is empathy. Listening to a co-worker's concerns and then me saying, "I can understand that" is empathy. Everyone has at least some shared empathy with everyone else because we are all people living in the world. Understanding is not just rooted in but based on empathy. Dr. Phil goes on to claim that empathy is impossible for two reasons- having a different makeup and history from everyone else and, if you can really believe it, gender.

Now I could go off on the gender bit if I wanted to, with his whole "women are wired to be sensitive, men to be logical and strategic" threadbare and tired diatribe, but I have already done that plenty of times. My existence in the world is enough to explode that age-old garbage anyway. After all, if men think like men and women think like women, what are we intersexed folk supposed to think like? No, my real concern is the fact that he believes that individuals are not capable of sharing each other's experiences through themselves. Every happy couple that's been together for more than 3 years has this trait, and you would think a man that has been in the counseling profession for as long as he has would have seen this. You can hear a couple relate a story about each other as though they were the ones who lived it. They can go beyond telling you that one of them got mad, but why and what that did to the person. Sorry, that's empathy. Even mediation in the emotionless corporate world uses empathy. Does Dr. Phil live in a bubble? Has he never bumped into someone on the street, and after apologizing the other person says, "Hey, no problem, I know what it is to be that busy"? Empathy is everywhere. There's no escaping it.

Hardhammered Point #10 - Key issues in relationships cannot and will not be solved.

The "Good Doctor" clearly states that he thinks that it is a waste of time to try to come to agreement on what my psychology professor called "The Fatal Four," which are bank, baby, bedroom and bad blood (meaning meddlesome friends and/or family members). He cites a problem that has plagued parents for numerous generations- one thinks the other parent is too strict, the other thinks the first is too leniant. Perhaps Dr. Phil does not understand that this issue is passed down not because it is unsolvable, but that's what their parents' parents' parents did. The conflict passes down as part of how family life should be, and every family has examples of this kind of thing. The solution did not get passed down because one was never attempted. Past generations were the "Father knows best" kind of thing, therefore conflicts over parenting style or even what dinners should be like never happened. Then, of course, there's what I call the "Uke's Delimma": What if I'm wrong? What if I start a fight for no reason? What if he thinks less of me? Conflict resolution only tends to be impossible for one reason- fear. Fear of rejection, fear of damaging the relationship, fear of judgment, fear of losing your cool or even that your partner might love you less. Toss those out and watch what happens!

Junai's Tips for Big Issue Discussion and Handling Arguments:

1. Timing is everything. Picking the day your mate comes home from the office after a terrible day and being in a bad mood is a bad plan. Also consider things that will sway the conversation like being tired, hungry, hormonal, distracted, or impatient. Impatience is a bigger issue than most people think. Things take as long as they take. Let them take whatever time they need.
2. Environment is key. This is a huge blunder that so many people make, sometimes even myself. Don't use vacation or getaway time to iron out the creases, nor should you use a nice romantic dinner unless you have made it clear that you want to haggle over food. Food is my main strategy. It provides things to do with the hands to relieve tension, food in and of itself is relaxing, and you generally can't fly off the handle with a mouth full of blackened trout. Use a comfortable, familiar place that all involved can feel safe in, and I always try to be doing something while the talk is going on. For me, a walk in a park or on a hiking trail while talking works well.
3. Start cool, end cool (if you can). If you start the conversation with anxiety or anger or, well, anything other than a casual conversational tone, it's over before it started. If you begin in a way that is nonthreatening, the other person will have a more relaxed mindset. And never start with the ubiquitous "We need to talk." I'm terrified when ANYONE says that to me, much less my boy. Also, if what's being said is tough, expect emotions. Cry, blow up, whatever, but try to keep it going until things cool back down. Allow whatever emotions need to happen happen, and withhold comments or judgments regardless of what you feel. If your instinct says, "He's just crying to try to get me to cave in" don't necessarily ignore that. Let the emotions subside and see what's left. If crying or yelling ends up not having the desired effect, the other person's mood and demeanor will very quickly change and the fact that it's all been an act will become obvious. If the crying and yelling are happening for a real reason, generally softness and/or apologies will follow, or the need to withdraw and recover.
4. Know when to say when. Let the other person call it off if they need to. Likewise, if you are beyond your limits then know when to table the discussion until you get your head back on right. Don't let the need for immediate resolution or the fear of looming open ended issues push the conversation to the point of no return. Respect boundaries, respect each other. Any time I've had to do this, I usually come back with a new or at least fresh perspective and I am able to grapple with things more effectively.
5. Behave with grace. You might be right in your argument and you know you are and you are sticking to your guns. Well done! I commend you for standing up for your conviction. However, because there's a fight on, you must have done something, so own up to it. It makes you a respectable person and can usually help a fight deescalate back down to a discussion. A recent example in my life of me doing this was a co-worker of mine making an inappropriate comment about my work over our walkie-talkie system. It made be mad and I went to him in the office and told him off. After I cooled off later, I went back and bowed to him and apologized. I said to him, "I'm sorry I was terse with you earlier, but what you said on the radio was uncalled for." Yes he was being a jackass, but his behavior should not bring my behavior down to his level. That's not how it works. The same is true in fights. Dumb things are said, and sometimes reacting to them can't be helped. Do your part to help resolve the issue by being humble. If you love and respect your mate, it's a small thing to ask.
6. This isn't chess, don't strategize. Don't plan your arguments and rebuttals like you were preparing for the Debate Team semi-finals. You are not in this to win, you are in this to fix something. Speak from the heart and talk about what's really at issue. If you have the gift of the silver-tongued litigator, it is easy to steer a conversation. It is easy to persuade. You only hurt yourself by doing so. You can con the other person into seeing your way, for now, but the issue will still be there and will come back to haunt you with avengence later. Resolve it now, show you can trust and be trusted and that you can be sincere. If you do, problems will be easier to work through down the road.
7.  Always remember what's at stake. This is the most important thing of all. Is your battle worth the end of your relationship? If you let your discussion degrade into a fight and you let the fight degrade into all out warfare, much is at risk. If your relationship means anything to you, you should be the one to hold up the white flag. It doesn't matter how right you are and how much you can prove it. Especially when you are alone. Being right doesn't seem all that important when the one thing that is important to you is walking out the door. Give in, be wrong, admit fault, whatever it takes to get the fight back from the brink. If the issue is big enough or important enough to you, you can always try to tackle it later.

Hardhammered Point #11 - Your dark side is a bad thing.

I once broke my wrist and had to have it in a correction sling for months. Even after the sling was no longer needed and I didn't have to use a soft brace anymore, I still found myself holding my arm as though it were in the sling in its protective posture. It had become a kind of reflex that I had to train myself out of. However maladaptive it might have become, a person's dark side is essentially the same thing. A person comes pre-equipped with weaknesses that will inevitably be exploited. Defenses are created to protect those weak areas. The dark side of us exists to keep us safe. It manifests itself in different ways in different people. Sometimes it tends to overcompensate and it gets ugly, but the dark side itself is not bad. Being able to defend yourself in whatever way you can is a good thing, but only when you really need to. The real problem with the dark side is not the dark side itself, but determining that something is a threat when it's really not.

And finally...

Hardhammered Point #12 - Big emotions, especially big negative emotions, are cause to sound the Red Alert.

I'm a full-blooded Celt. Emotions come in only two sizes in us Celts- big and something akin to supernova. And you know what? I'm pretty darn proud of this fact. I used to feel guilty about it for so long because everyone I've ever been with was uncomfortable, sometimes to the point of being afraid, with big emotions. Now this issue has become my greatest ballyhoo. If you are not in a relationship where you feel comfortable bringing the full force of what you feel to bear, then you are not in a relationship worth having. If I'm mad enough to be furious, let me roar! If I'm hurt enough to bellow and cry, let me wail! If I'm over the moon with joy, let me be elated! If I'm head over heels in love, let me moon over you! Likewise, if you have something big inside of you that is about to make you burst, let me have it! Both parties will be the better for it. You will get what you needed off your chest in a way that actually gives you relief, and I will be glad that you felt me capable enough to handle it and trustworthy enough to receive your secret stirrings. After the initial explosion comes the reward- that vulnerability that really allows you to get truly intimate with someone and really get some work done. More than once has the boy been so upset that it shows in everything he does, and I give him leave to let him rip. Afterwards he usually collapses in my arms crying, and then the real problems are found. Anger is often a compensation for or a protection from a deep seated pain, but if the defenses are blown off, there's nothing left to disguise it. And I personally would happily risk some shrapnel for the opportunity to have some real healing, real connection and real intimacy.

Dr. Phil would have you believe that depression, anger, feelings of futility, pessimism and other such dark thoughts are a clear sign that you are sailing troubled waters. I have to disagree. I have found that when these feelings occur, they can be a great way of determining problems you didn't know you had. Other times they can be a call to action. For example, I am pretty pessimistic about the future at this point. This is not a sign of instability or of mental health issues; it is a sign that I am aware of current events. This pessimism has shed some desperately needed light on things in my life that are core issues with me that are not being adequately addressed. This in turn has had me formulating plans of attack to solve the problem. Depression often tells me important things like the fact that I am fatigued and didn't know it or some insecurity of mine has been awakened and needs to be dealt with. All emotions, good bad or indifferent serve a purpose and are only bad if you let them go bad. And the worst thing you can do is try to avoid them or ignore them, because they will only get bigger. Express them, robustly if you have to, then get to know them and understand them. Once you do, you will find a roadmap to real self-improvement.